


box of memories

by buffylovesfaith



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, F/F, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 00:50:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11680566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buffylovesfaith/pseuds/buffylovesfaith
Summary: So she imagines taking the secret box out of it’s hiding spot and burning it. Because she knows, with a flash of clarity, that if she lets it out that box of memories could send this house of cards she’s built crashing down around her.Post series one shot. Lorna marries Vinnie, but thoughts of Nicky are never as far away as she had hoped.





	box of memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my Nichorello friends! This here is an angst story. It's not what I want to happen to the characters in the show. It's what I imagine could very well happen to them if they don't end up together. Maybe think of it as a what not to do for the writers? I'm not sure what I think of it, but I felt I had to write it, so please let me know what you thought! And don't worry, some happy stories are coming :). (Also this is a slight AU, the riot in season 5 never happened and they all stayed at Litchfield, but Lorna is really pregnant.)

Lorna promises herself that when she gets out, she will lock Nicky up in a box in her mind and let it sit on one of the very back selves, gathering dust. The box will get lost so that she can’t even find it anymore, can’t open it up or pull things out of it. It will be easy, things often get lost in the corners and traps of her mind, especially when she wants them to. And it almost works. 

Lorna is scheduled to be released six months before Nicky. On her last day she clings to Nicky, kissing her heatedly on the mouth despite the guard that stands watching, trying to suck out all the bits of _Nicky_ , the wild hair that she loved to run her fingers through as Nicky made love to her (here, right now, she can admit that what they have-- _had_ was so much more than sex), the tattoos that she loved to pay special attention to when she kissed her body, the rough voice, and the sense of peace and comfort and _truth_ that only Nicky can give her. She breathes deeply, inhaling all she can. This is her last chance.

They don’t promise each other anything. Their lips part and they gaze into each other’s eyes for just a moment. Lorna whispers, “...Nicky,” one last time. Then Lorna is walking towards and out the front door, towards freedom and happiness and her perfect life. Nicky has probably gone off to cry in the shower or pummel her mattress or—no, Lorna isn’t thinking about her. She lives in the box, remember? 

As soon as the door shuts behind her, Lorna reaches up to wipe away a single, mysterious tear that has escaped—because why would she be crying?--and lets a smile spread across her face. She runs towards her new husband, who picks her up and twirls her around, making her hair fly. 

*

She has her baby, a beautiful brunette girl she names Adelina Nicole Morello-Muccio. She doesn’t think about why she chooses that name, she just does. She goes back to trusting her feelings and trying to figure it out later (or never). Vinnie approves of her choice; he lets her have her way most of the time. He just wants her to be happy.

Lorna spends her time _trying_ to tidy up their apartment (and usually ending up watching her soaps instead), actually tidying, and caring for and playing games with her daughter. Her beautiful daughter, who she loves more than anything. The way she giggles when they play peekaboo warms her heart with the kind of motherly love she’d only dreamed about until now. 

But besides her daughter, Lorna sometimes feels like she’s in a rut. The vacuuming, the diaper changing, the ordering takeout—it all becomes a rhythm, a routine. Much like the one she had in prison, actually, but this time it’s different. She doesn’t have the thing...the person who could light a spark in her, a flame, who could wake her up, make her feel things, make her see the routine for what it is. Lorna thinks all these things, until she remembers that she’s happy. She feels ungrateful when she has these unwanted thoughts. Few people are lucky enough to win the lottery in life, and Lorna has. Still, without the fire, Lorna lets herself retreat into the fog.

*

They have another kid, a baby boy. They name him Vince Jr.. He was born weighing only five pounds, but he’s happy and healthy now. Adelina is seven.

Lorna spends a lot of time in front of the television. The soaps, with their sweeping romances and high drama, have accompanied her through the years. She still cleans, but dust has crept up in a few of the corners. She makes sure to play with her children whenever they all have free time—Adelina is in school now, and Lorna misses her during those hours every day. She cried when she first dropped her off. When she’s with her children the fog is less thick, her mind more clear. 

As hard as she tries, sometimes things still remind her of Ni—of prison. Wild haired women on the street. Cigarette smoke, crude jokes. When Lorna laughs at a silly commercial on TV or a bird fluttering on a tree outside her window, her mind flashes to Nicky. Happiness reminds her of Nicky.

Sometimes she lies in bed crying, and she _knows_ why she’s crying and what she wants, she knows who and what would make her feel better, but it’s so far away now, a distant memory. Was she ever really that calm, that content? Surely not, another delusion. It’s impossible for Lorna to feel that way. 

A few times Lorna could have sworn that Nicky was there while Vinnie was fucking her, that she just replaced him. It felt so real. Each time she feels more _right_ than she has in a long, long time.

Sometimes she wants to reach out, maybe call, just to check on how everyone she knew in there is doing, but it’s been so long and she would feel awkward, so she doesn’t.

So she imagines taking the secret box out of it’s hiding spot and burning it. Because she knows, with a flash of clarity, that if she lets it out that box of memories could send this house of cards she’s built crashing down around her. 

Vinnie worries about her. He asks if she’s happy, does she want something, is there something he can do for her? Is there something she’s not telling him? Lorna smiles and says, “Of course not, husband,” and gives him a kiss. 

He’s confused, but a good man, and frustrated that he can’t help. He tries to come home from work immediately to be with her, but sometimes he sits in a bar and drinks a few drinks, and tries not to think about what’s wrong with his wife. 

Franny visits, when she can take time to ride the subway twenty minutes out of her way. Her brow crinkles and not for the first time she brings up doctors and medicine. Lorna nods along. She doesn’t tell them that she can’t get her _real_ medicine. She never told them about any of it. Why can’t she ever tell the truth?

*

Sometimes Lorna thinks she hears the phone ringing, but people tell her that it’s not. Sometimes she picks it up and no one’s there. Occasionally it’s someone from the local library, wanting the kid’s books back. It’s never who she wants it to be.

One day Lorna comes home loaded down with groceries to find a letter sitting alone on the counter, waiting for her. It’s addressed to Miss Lorna Morello-Muccio from Galina Rez... _Red_. Lorna drops the groceries on the ground and bounds over to the counter. She grabs the crisp white envelope and rips it open. She starts to read, certain sentences catching her eyes.

 _Nicky….in the hospital again…misses you…why didn’t you answer our calls? Here’s the address...come visit you owe it to me little girl. Remember that lipstick I got you, huh? Every two weeks for years...She needs you...Don’t tell her I said that though..._.

Lorna stifles a gasp and stiffens, the letter crumpling slightly in her shaking hand. Tears brim to the edges of her eyes and spill over. Is this real?

No, no, no, it can’t be. Nicky wouldn’t...she’s fine now. This is just Lorna’s mind coming up with an excuse for her to have to see Nicky.

Lorna crunches up the letter, and brushes her tears away. She’s not going to get caught up in a fantasy again.

But that night Lorna ponders the possibility that maybe the letter was real, and she cries. She cries for her husband, who deserves a whole person to love him. She cries for her children, who have to see her sad more often than they ever should. She cries for her sister, who loves her, and who isn’t enough to make a difference all on her own. And most of all she cries for herself and for Nicky, two people who _know_ what they’re doing to themselves god damn it, but they can’t seem to fucking _stop_. Two self destructive messes running on parallel tracks instead of the same, too afraid to ever try for more, determined to keep going until they run out of steam and the boiler explodes. 

Lorna hugs a pillow, and she cries and cries and cries.

*

The next morning she burns the letter. (Real? An artifact from a particular fantasy? She doesn’t know, and she’s not asking anymore.) She goes to make Vinnie his eggs and toast, and smiles when he kisses her on the cheek. 

It’s too much, real or fake, and she won’t do anything to break her world apart. If it’s fake than better to ignore it. If it’s real she can’t give in. She can’t see her, she can’t hear her voice. The regret of eight years lost and wasted and too many mistakes made to fix would destroy her. So she locks the box up one last time and throws away the key. 

Calmly floating on the surface of denial was always better than plunging into the heartbreaking reality anyway. The fog’s familiar softness embraces her, it’s tendrils wrapping around every inch of her and drawing her in deep.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love any feedback! This is a new style for me...did it work?


End file.
